Clearly Imperfect: Communicating Humanity and Forgiveness

By Shannon Thompson

“I am going to say it like it is,” Coach Brown told me, exasperation wieldy within his voice. “I’m not being mean. I’m just telling the truth.”

We are deep into a discussion about this coach’s manner of communication with his athletes. Known for his blunt comments, Coach Brown has welcomed my help in order to improve his effectiveness as a coach. This is not our first conversation. The several we’ve had prior to this one have elicited the same assertions from him: “I want to see effort; everything is a choice; you either want it badly enough or you don’t.” He’s turned slightly away from me, his expression matter-of-fact and committed.

Although each of the above statements rings with widely accepted virtues, they are not what this article is about. Rather, I want to discuss the manner by which one person tries to influence others regardless of the content of his message, and where problems in this area can arise. Everyone knows the adage, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” and this is often deeply true. There is obvious value in thoughtfully worded phrases, welcoming body language and warm tones. We can all benefit from developing greater communication skills, and a steady refinement of these is a worthy project. But, here’s the thing – we are human. We’re not able to communicate perfectly through every interaction in our lives. We have personalities, inclinations, slippery tongues and sharp edges. Additionally, one style of interaction that’s perfect for you is not going to be perfect for me. We’re bound to err sometimes despite our best intentions. So, in this article I’m going to take one step beyond the adage above and outline a strategy that can buffer ourselves and others from our communication errors. This process begins by developing an awareness of our communication strengths and weaknesses. Next, we recognize situations where we might tend to use undesirable means to communicate. Finally, these weaknesses and tendencies are shared with those around us.

Becoming Clear

The first step to this strategy is to become clear about your strengths and weaknesses, your tones and tendencies, and how you’re perceived by others (the field of Positive Psychology has developed this scientifically valid online survey that will assess your strengths). We don’t have to be perfect, but it helps to know how we’re not perfect, and it really goes a long when we can explain these aspects of ourselves to those in our lives. The practice of explaining ourselves prevents others from taking our imperfections personally, protects key relationships, and opens the door for forgiveness if mistakes are made. Additionally, understanding why we are the way we are can enhance your understanding of yourself, and others’ understanding of you.

“I didn’t have a coach,” Coach Brown told me - describing his background as a successful athlete. “I had to be ruthlessly objective and hard on myself or I would never have improved. My job is to push these athletes to become the best they can be. I’m not going to sugar coat my feedback.” And he’s not. There have been numerous misunderstandings on Coach Brown’s team. Some athletes believe he dislikes them personally, others feel too afraid of him to communicate their confusion about what he’s asking of them. The team is a little disconnected. Personalities are diverse. Offense is taken easily. This atmosphere undermines the potential of this team. Coach Brown has experienced a great deal of success with a few athletes. Two of these are among the top ten in the country. However, to Coach Brown’s admission the rest of his team has failed to perform. “They cave under pressure,” he tells me. “They do not come through when it counts.” Coach Brown is bravely examining his own methods to see if some of the problem lies with him.

Last season, in an attempt to understand how others see him, Coach Brown courageously collected the anonymous opinions of all of his athletes. He distributed a questionnaire that asked for feedback on his strengths and weaknesses as a coach. The feedback he received spanned a wide spectrum. Some athletes appreciated his no-nonsense approach. Others felt picked on, disrespected, and unvalued. This feedback led to numerous meetings with Coach Brown, some athletes, and myself. The misunderstandings were discussed, and greater clarity was reached between people. The team moved forward peacefully, and have begun this season with an excited spirit.

Communicating Differences and Weaknesses

Now, in order to continue the gains made last spring, Coach Brown is taking action. We decided to have a meeting designed to help all team members get to know one another better, and also gain some understanding of each other’s differences. In the meeting, each person shared stories about him or herself at best and worst. Coach Brown highlighted his history as an athlete. Team members were encouraged to notice each person’s differing background and interpretations of the events of his or her lives. The goal here was to welcome each other’s differences, to highlight surprises, and to give each team member a chance to communicate his or her strengths and weaknesses to the team.

“I’m a blunt guy,” Coach Brown explained, “that’s how I pushed myself as an athlete. When I’m hard on you it means I believe in you. It means I believe you can improve. Sometimes I get a little loud, and sometimes I sound a little harsh. I’m working on that, but it’s a work in progress. I want you to know what my comments are never personal. I’m always on your side.”

Other athletes were able to explain themselves: “sometimes I just can’t talk during practice,” one athlete said. “I become so frustrated when I’m not hitting my marks. I cope by staying quiet. Please don’t take it personally if you’re around when I’m like that. It’s not about you.”

“I often joke around when I’m tired,” another athlete explained. “This annoys some people. Please let me know if it annoys you and I’ll try to dial it back.”

When we can state your weaknesses clearly we take responsibility for them as our own. This lightens the burden we unintentionally deposit on others through erroneous communication styles, and decreases the risk of misunderstandings. We’re all working on some weakness within ourselves. Articulating what these are to one another acknowledges a common humanness, and opens the door for the gift of forgiveness, which can become a strong and flexible bond.

About the Author 

Shannon Thompson is a mental performance consultant who specializes in high performance sport. Shannon holds a Masters of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania.