The Missing Ingredient to Success: Self-Care

By Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener 

Introduction: If you don’t love your life, who will? 

In the annals of self-development books, there are some that have achieved classic status. Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking is one example. Another is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I can remember the first time I came across another: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. My father had just finished it, and he had left it on our kitchen table. Over breakfast, I picked it up and casually flipped through it. I was curious to know what these keystone behaviors were that set the most successful people apart. Almost instantly, my attention was drawn to the seventh habit, which I found particularly interesting. If you haven’t read the book, I’ll bring you up to speed.

Stephen Covey, the author, calls this habit “sharpen the saw.” It is his code word for “self-care.” Using the metaphor of tools, Covey argues that you cannot simply use a saw every day. Over time, use will blunt the saw’s teeth, and it will become ineffective. To remedy this, the author recommends taking time off to care for the saw. By extension, he argues that it is crucial that all of us devote time and energy to self-care.  Just like a relaxing weekend can be restorative, taking time to hit the gym, eat well, or prioritize sleep can be the missing ingredient to success. 

Other scholars agree with Covey on this. Doctors Jim Loehr and Jack Groppel have studied the effects of good health on work performance. They have found that healthy people perform better. Groppel uses the analogy of a computer. He argues that all your skills and knowledge at work are like computer software. He acknowledges that people are eager to get the latest updates and to download the newest programs. Even so, he points to the way that people so often forget the body—the power supply in this analogy. It is as if the computer is running on battery power and folks are willfully neglecting to plug it in to recharge it. 

Undoubtedly, this sounds familiar to you. Because you are a surface-dwelling human you—like me and everyone else—know that under stress self-care habits are the first to fall by the wayside. You have experience with this. As deadlines loom, as you fight with your partner, as you take on too much work; you attempt to address these issues by doubling down. You work longer hours and give all of your focus to these problems. What you don’t do is exercise, cook, meditate, sleep, or otherwise take care of yourself. Don’t worry; you are not alone. One study by Megan Oaten and Ken Cheng revealed that university students tend to fall apart under the stress of mid-term exams. They drink more caffeine, get less sleep, eat more junk food, do fewer dishes, do less laundry, and the list goes on. 

The 3 Obstacles to Self-Care

Why is it that we are all so quick to forego our self-care? People are sometimes more likely to put gas in their cars and get regular oil changes than they are to work out diligently or eat in a consistently healthful manner. You’d think that it would be a natural priority. You’d think that it would be fundamental to our survival instincts. You know, eat food to stay alive. Sleep so that you can function decently. It turns out that people have all sorts of attitudes that interfere with self-care. Three of the most common are related to A) effort, B) relationships, and C) comprehension. Let’s tackle each of these in turn.

Let’s begin with effort. In reality, each of us has a limited supply of time and energy in any given day. Because problems attract our attention, we are likely to devote those resources to solving the issues that spring up around us. This leaves less gas in the tank to hit the gym or prep a meal. At times, you come home and collapse on the sofa at the end of a long day. It simply seems too Herculean an effort to go for a run. It is far easier to order a pizza, watch television, or drink some wine.

Similarly, people struggle with self-care because they mistake it for self-centeredness. Taking a bubble bath, or refusing to lend a hand to a loved one can seem self-indulgent at best, and terribly selfish at worst. We have all been raised with the idea that we should help others and fulfill our obligations. Unfortunately, most of us were not raised with the idea that first helping yourself puts you in a better position to contribute. The third obstacle to self-care is a simple misunderstanding of its benefits. People commonly underestimate the profound effect of a good night’s sleep on thinking, judgment, and memory. They can overlook the powerful ways that a healthful diet provides better work performance than does a late afternoon cup of coffee or candy bar. 

When people place self-care on the back burner in a chronic way, they run the risk of burnout. Burnout research from a number of professions is instructive. Take the example of psychotherapists. Despite cartoonish film depictions of therapists asking, “So, how do you feel about that?” the work of counselors is emotionally demanding. Just imagine sitting with someone and hearing about trauma, infidelity, grief, or crippling anxiety and depression. Over time, the empathy required of therapists can take a toll. If they do not engage in regular self-care, they begin to burn out. What does this burnout look like? Symptoms can include a lack of empathy, poor ethical decision making, missed appointments, illness, and poor record-keeping. Similarly, burnout is a problem for teachers. One recent study comparing teachers who coped well with stress and those who did not, revealed that burnout was associated with lower student math achievement and more disruptive behaviors in the classroom. Taken together, research from these two professions paints a clear portrait: Professional stress is unavoidable, but self-care is optional. It’s just that it is the smart option.

So, how do I take care of myself?

There are many ways to manage one’s own energy levels, to reduce stress, and to manage emotions. Meditation and physical exercise, for example, are two popular and effective techniques. Even so, there can be a gap between what we all know is good for us and actually doing those things. In working with my own clients, I have found that before trying to make life changes or start new habits, it can be helpful for people to simply write a short document that articulates the value of self-care. That is, you are worth taking care of, and it’s not such a bad thing to announce that clearly. Here is an example of a short document I created that I see as a “contract with one’s self.” Feel free to use or modify, or post somewhere as a reminder:

I hold these statements to be true:

• I am fundamentally worth caring for
• Self-care is not self-ish
• When I care for myself, I am better able to contribute to others
• Self-care is not limited to pampering; it includes growth, learning, adventure, challenge, and fun
• Self-care also means not restricting my authentic self or values
• Self-care includes giving myself occasional permission to burden others
• I am committed to my own health and well-being

One other technique that my clients have found useful is being specific about self-care. It is easy to think of self-care as relating to diet, sleep, and exercise but there is more to self-care than these physical habits. In fact, I believe it is difficult to effectively engage in all forms of self-care at one time. Often, we have to pick and choose from among various strategies. To aid my clients in this, I have created a simple checklist that they (and you) can use or modify as a permission slip for daily self-care:

Today, I give myself permission to (check all that apply):

____ Pamper myself

____ Spend money on myself

____ Take time for myself

____ Enjoy myself

____ Be myself

____ Burden others

____ Say no to others

____ Indulge myself

____ Prioritize my own learning

____ Make mistakes

____ Protect time for recreation

You can see that these are not life-changing behaviors that will result overnight in a better body or more IQ points. Instead, they are simple permissions to prioritize your own wellness. Ultimately, permission is the key that unlocks new habits and the success that accompanies self-care. 

About the Author 

Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener is widely known as the “Indiana Jones of Positive Psychology” because his research on happiness and other positive topics has taken him to such far-flung destinations as Greenland, Kenya, India and Israel. Robert works as a researcher, coach, and coach trainer at Positive Acorn. He lives in Portland, Oregon (USA) and rock climbs whenever possible. www.positiveacorn.com