The Power of Paradox

By Shannon Thompson

“I am haunted by the density of reality.”

~ Oliver Sacks

      In general, humans like clarity.  We feel uncomfortable when presented with ambiguous or complex situations. In ambiguous circumstances, it’s normal to rush to judgment simply because we wish to resolve the discomfort we feel when dealing with complicated, multifaceted scenarios. Related to this is our tendency to clasp resolutely to one side of an apparent paradox without allowing room for its counterpart in our awareness. For example, a person might claim that a restaurant is “good” or “bad.” Or, someone will describe a project  “easy” or “hard,” when in fact the most accurate description of both is more lengthy and nuanced. Perhaps the restaurant offers few salads but serves particularly flavorful french fries. Or, the project involves a great deal of thoughtful writing, but the reading required prior to writing is poetic and beautiful. It is human nature to categorize, and we feel comfortable when phenomena can be placed in tidy boxes, under concrete headings. We are bothered by the messy mixture that is actual experience. In the quote above, Oliver Sacks, medical doctor and author, means that life is rarely black or white. In fact, reality can be overwhelmingly complex. This essay will begin by focusing on the reality of complexity within our lives and will finish by explaining the advantages of learning to tolerate paradox. 

Here are some examples of the complex and often paradoxical reality in which we live:

Strengths and Shadows

     Human nature is complex and paradoxical. Many of us have heard reference to the statement that our strengths have their converse in our weaknesses. Said another way, the parts of us that are exceptional often have an opposite pole that can be detrimental (referred to by psychoanalysts as our “shadow”). The brilliant and passionate writer who produces prolific, insightful work may also be a reclusive workaholic. The calm and reliable teacher may struggle with emotional expression. Within his exploration of the psychology of creativity, Scott Barry Kaufman found that the psychological profiles of some incredibly creative people revealed a high prevalence of pathology, alongside measures of great stability and abundant well being. In fact, a common trait among creative achievers appears to be a paradoxical nature. Poet and author, Walt Whitman said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.” We are all “multitudes.”

Fear and Courage

"Courage is resilience to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear" 

~ Mark Twain

     Although most of us enjoy the idea of being courageous, we resist the admission that we are afraid. There is a view that to admit fear makes one appear flawed and vulnerable. However, Stanley Rachman, one of the founding researchers on courage, claims that courage is not possible without feelings of fear. According to Rachman, for an act to be considered courageous it must be accompanied by a subjective feeling of apprehension, and the physiological reaction to fear (e.g., increased heart rate). By definition, the presence of fear is required for the emergence of courage.

The Reality of Discrete Emotions

     “How are you?” is a question we ask each other frequently. To some extent, we are often checking in on ourselves with the same question. It’s normal for a person to jump to a quick answer to this question: “I’m great!” or “I’m feeling flat,” or “I’m stressed,” are common responses. We tend to explain our whole experience in the moment based on the presence of one emotion, and normally according to the strongest one currently in awareness. This tendency gives us the perception that emotions are on a continuum. For example, we often have the sense that we are happy or sad, relaxed or stressed. However, emotions are not points on a continuum, they are discrete from one another. Therefore, a person can be feeling a great deal of sadness about one aspect of her life, and a great deal of joy about another. The presence of sadness need not reduce the presence of joy. They are discrete from one another. The ability to recognize numerous emotions within oneself is a facet of emotional intelligence, and a skill that greatly promotes emotional resilience.

Meaning and Mortality

"If I had the power to turn back time, I would never use it...because then every moment that you go through means absolutely nothing, cause you can always go back and do it again. It loses its flavor, it loses its beauty, [like] when things are final, and you know moments won't ever come again."

~ Kobe Bryant

     In many circumstances value is determined by scarcity, including the value of time. Right now I’m looking out of my window on a winter day. Snow languishes on patient branches. The morning twinkles within melting droplets, which are at any moment bound for earth. Would I look upon this scene with equal awe if I knew it would be here tomorrow, or next month, instead of slipping forever into the earth as it is bound to do? And we’re slipping too, toward the end of moments, or the close of particular chapters in our lives, and always into older age. Would any moment feel significant if we knew it would last forever, or that we could access it indefinitely? The necessity for loss within the composition of meaning may be the greatest paradox of our lives.

The Benefits of Tolerating Paradox

     In the late 1960’s and early 1970’s, Stanford psychologist, Walter Mischel conducted the now famous, marshmallow test. The experiment presented young children with a choice: they could have one marshmallow immediately, or they could wait for fifteen minutes and receive two marshmallows. The experiment was intended to assess the relationship between a child’s self-regulation and future accomplishment. Mischel tracked the subjects of his study into young adulthood. The children who had chosen to wait for two marshmallows scored better on several life outcomes. For example, they received higher SAT scores, educational attainment, and had a lower body mass index than the children who ate the single marshmallow immediately. It appeared that self-regulation at a young age is related to positive futures. 

     Seth Godin, marketing guru and social visionary, suggests that there could be more than self-regulation to credit with the long-term success of the two-marshmallow children. Godin writes extensively on creativity and working outside one’s comfort zone. He asserts that we are all “artists” within whatever field we choose. In his work, he states adamantly that we must tolerate the unknown if we are to produce innovative work. Here he shares his thoughts on why the two-marshmallow children within Mischel’s study appeared to become more successful adults than the one-marshmallow children. Godin says: 

     “I would say it's about tolerating two ideas at the same time. ‘I want the marshmallow; I want two marshmallows.’ Keeping both of those together in your head at the same time isn’t easy. [Just like] ‘this might work, this might not work,’ are two totally different ideas. One carries with it shame, and fear, and rejection, and the end of the road, and the other one is ‘wow, that’s thrilling.’ The only way to make art is to be able to do both of these at the same time. The only way to be an entrepreneur, the only way to launch something is to be able to tolerate ‘this might work, this might not work,’ at the same time.”

     My hope with this essay is that you will grow greater awareness and appreciation for the key paradoxes within your life. In my opinion, the willingness to accept paradox aligns a person with the most accurate knowledge we currently have about true, lived experience. Also, by becoming “large” enough to hold ambiguity in our awareness we remain open for unexpected details to enter. When we jump to conclusions we often close ourselves to unforeseen beauty and change. If you feel uncomfortable within the ambiguous unknown, you are not alone. Breathe and remain open to it. We are all traveling together in this space, powerful, limited, confused, and marveling. 

About the Author 

Shannon Thompson is a mental performance consultant who specializes in high performance sport. Shannon holds a Masters of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania.