The #1 Trait that Sabotages High Performance

By Jess Hopkins 

High performers are often lauded for their impressive feats and extraordinary accomplishments. But behind closed doors, many top performers struggle with a debilitating character trait: perfectionism. 

Perfectionism is not black and white, but rather this quality exists on a continuum: for some, perfectionism emerges only when they’re feeling especially vulnerable, for others, perfectionism can be habitual, persistent and paralyzing. To better understand what perfectionism is and isn’t, I’ll turn to the wise words of Brené Brown, a researcher and storyteller who’s work on topics like vulnerability, shame and worthiness has profoundly impacted our understanding of how to strive for excellence without sacrificing wellbeing. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown explains:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame… Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. 

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. (p. 56)

When we pursue goals and outcomes for the purpose of gaining praise and validation from others, we are playing a dangerous game with fire and will get burned every single time. By prioritizing people-pleasing and placing our worthiness in the hands of others, we handicap ourselves by sacrificing the ability to self-define what personal success looks like. Instead, we rely on others’ opinions, judgments and perceptions to dictate how we feel, forfeiting the right to actually enjoy the process of striving for excellence, not just the final achievement. 

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t have high standards or pursue lofty goals, but we must be aware of the consequences of attaching to unrealistic expectations of ourselves. According to Brown, “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis. Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. (p. 56).

As a High Performance Coach, perfectionism shows up frequently during client sessions and I’m often met with this kind of resistance: “But Jess, it’s important to me to perform at my best. How am I supposed to truly maximize my potential if I don’t aim for perfection?” This is a reasonable argument, but I help my clients untangle this faulty thinking by highlighting the critical distinction between healthy striving (which is self-focused, growth-oriented and asks, “How can I improve?”) and perfectionism (which is other-focused, outcome-oriented and asks, “What will they think?”). 

Perfectionism is primarily about wanting to be perceived by others as perfect, which inherently sets us up to fail because we don’t actually have control over how other people perceive us. We waste an exorbitant amount of time and energy attempting to influence others’ perception of us, but that time would be much better spent by clarifying what success looks like to us and identifying specific actions to take that align with that vision.

What’s worse, the painful shame and judgement we experience when we fail to achieve perfection results in self-blame and self-criticism: “It’s my fault I feel this way because nothing I do is ever good enough.” Instead of questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become ever more entrenched in our quest to live, look and do everything just right. In this way, perfectionism is an addictive, vicious cycle that keeps many high potential individuals from fully realizing their full potential. 

If you find yourself stuck in the vicious cycle of perfectionism, one powerful tool for breaking free is practicing self-compassion. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.

Dr. Kristen Neff, the leading researcher on self-compassion, has identified three key elements to this essential skill: 

Self-Kindness (instead of self-judgement)

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or exacerbating our pain with self-criticism. Failures and shortcomings are an inevitable part of life. When this reality is denied or railed against, we generate stress, frustration and self-loathing. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, we cultivate greater emotional stability that allows to productively move forward.

Common Humanity (instead of isolation)

The frustration of not achieving perfection is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. But the truth is that all humans suffer. Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through. This recognition can bring a sense of relief and connection that soothes negative emotions that result from isolation.

Mindfulness (instead of over-identification)

Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without judging, suppressing or denying them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. 

Mindfulness also requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are consumed by negative reactivity. Instead, noticing negative thoughts without attaching to them allows us to proactively refocus on emotions that serve us. 

To support you in shifting from perfectionism towards healthy striving, Neff suggests the following self-compassion exercises to jumpstart your journey: 

1. Deepen your self-awareness by taking the Self-Compassion Scale. It’s a short, eye-opening test that measures your level of self-compassion by assessing for the elements of self-compassion (self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness) and the things that get in the way (self-judgment, isolation and overidentification with negative feelings). Take this quick test on Neff’s website HERE.
2. Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. When you’re in a moment of painful self-criticism or feeling like you’re not good enough, imagine a loved one was in your shoes. If you heard them beating themselves up for their shortcomings or failings, how would you speak to them? Would you join in on the bashing? Or would you offer them kindness, support and love? Jot down the soothing words you would say to a friend and practice extending that same kindness to yourself.
3. Do a self-compassion meditation. When you’re in a moment of suffering or failure, meditation will help to deepen your mindfulness practice and soothe feelings of frustration and disappointment. Several guided meditations specifically designed to stoke self-compassion can be found on Neff’s website HERE. 

In an effort to maximize potential, many high performers strive for one singular goal: perfection. In reality, this practice actually hinders peak performance by generating unachievable expectations that lead to shameful feelings of failure and self-doubt. In order to fully realize our potential, we would be better served by striving towards attainable stretch goals and remembering that even in the face of failure, we can learn valuable things that can catapult us to our next level. Using this type of realistic optimism, along with the three pillars of self-compassion described above, can help you overcome the dark shadows of perfectionism. Cultivating these habits can spur you on a path of continuous growth and progression toward goals that really matter to you. 

About the Author

Jess Hopkins is a Positive Psychology coach, speaker and trainer, working to maximize workplace well-being and performance. As a twice-certified Life Purpose and Career Coach, with dual Master's degrees in Counseling and Applied Positive Psychology, Jess is committed to affecting positive change within organizations that are driven by passion and purpose. For more information, please visit www.ThrivingWorkforce.com